Recent events in my life started me thinking about the difference between "duty" and "obligation." I was reminded again of the importance of following internal guidance when it comes to reducing stress in our lives.
"Duty" follows my inner dictates as to what is entailed in my relationship to others, whether it is another person, an institution, or the world at large. Doing my duty seldom leaves me feeling resentful. I willingly nursed my sick children, contributed to my mother's financial support, took my sick friend to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning, and diligently recycle. Not doing what we know to be our duty usually leaves us with a sense of guilt.
"Obligations," on the other hand, follow external expectations that exceed our inner sense of duty. Feeling resentful afterwards is a good indication that we did something out of a sense of obligation. Such as when I got talked into babysitting for someone I hardly knew, spent all three days of Thanksgiving with in-laws when I really needed quiet time and rest, loaned money when I didn't want to. The motivating factor behind succumbing to "obligations" is usally fear: fear of someone's anger or disappointment, fear of not being loved, liked or admired.
Sometimes we mistake "fear" for "guilt." This confusion in turn misleads us in distinguishing between "duty" and "obligation." It takes a lot of inner dialogue to sort it all through. Frequently a mass resistence to what at first appeared to be "obligation" might dissolve when we discover a grain of "duty" in what is being asked of us, and we can delineate what part we are "willing" to agree to and what we must decline. Similarly, what we have been programed to consider as our "duty" might contain elements of "obligations," in that they exceed our personal sense of what should be entailed in that specific time, place or relationship.
Each of us is different, and each situation is unique. Defining our place and relationships in the world is an ongoing, complex business. The process requires our attention and a lot of work. It is worthwhile in the long run, for the end result is increased self-understanding and acceptance, more ease in our relationships, and a greater sense of personal freedom.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Is Your Happiness Conditional?
I had a variety of experiences on a recent river cruise that got me thinking about how many non-essential conditions we place on our happiness.
First off, there was the weather. The Netherlands had an unseasonably cold winter this year. This meant that tulips, the viewing of which was our primary interest, began blooming later than usual and we found only hyacinths blooming outdoors on our first trip to the Kukenhof Gardens. Big disappointment!!
Catching our negative thinking in time, we made a conscious attitude adjustment. By the time we found the huge indoor planting of tulips in full bloom, we were ever so happy, as we were when we found some tulips blooming outdoors on our second visit only three days later. The thought that there could have been fuller blooms only skated through the surface of our minds, and for only one small moment :)
On board the cruise ship we were served wonderful gourmet meals every evening. For the first few nights we happened to sit at the same table and developed an enjoyable relationship with our waiter. One night someone else was sitting at our table when we arrived so we took a different table nearby, with a different server.
It would appear that another couple had been sitting at the table we took because the woman was visibly upset when she arrived and found us there. There were no loud scenes, but we could see the server trying to calm her down. How sad that her happiness during that meal depended upon having a certain table and being waited on by a specific server, none of which were conditions under her control.
The trip was like a microcosm of life itself, filled with experiences that required conscious choices of how much we were willing to allow circumstances to disturb our peace of mind. We have so many conditions that have to be met before we can relax, be satisfied, feel happy, enjoy life...., most of them out of our conscious awareness and blinding us to the joy of just being alive.
First off, there was the weather. The Netherlands had an unseasonably cold winter this year. This meant that tulips, the viewing of which was our primary interest, began blooming later than usual and we found only hyacinths blooming outdoors on our first trip to the Kukenhof Gardens. Big disappointment!!
Catching our negative thinking in time, we made a conscious attitude adjustment. By the time we found the huge indoor planting of tulips in full bloom, we were ever so happy, as we were when we found some tulips blooming outdoors on our second visit only three days later. The thought that there could have been fuller blooms only skated through the surface of our minds, and for only one small moment :)
On board the cruise ship we were served wonderful gourmet meals every evening. For the first few nights we happened to sit at the same table and developed an enjoyable relationship with our waiter. One night someone else was sitting at our table when we arrived so we took a different table nearby, with a different server.
It would appear that another couple had been sitting at the table we took because the woman was visibly upset when she arrived and found us there. There were no loud scenes, but we could see the server trying to calm her down. How sad that her happiness during that meal depended upon having a certain table and being waited on by a specific server, none of which were conditions under her control.
The trip was like a microcosm of life itself, filled with experiences that required conscious choices of how much we were willing to allow circumstances to disturb our peace of mind. We have so many conditions that have to be met before we can relax, be satisfied, feel happy, enjoy life...., most of them out of our conscious awareness and blinding us to the joy of just being alive.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
It Spreads Further Than You Think
I am blessed with a husband who is of the old school in terms of manners. He opens doors for me, takes my arm when we cross the street, and all that good stuff. His good manners extend not just to me. The other day he opened the door for a woman at Starbucks and let her enter ahead of him. When it was his turn to order his coffee, he was told that woman had already paid for his drink. When he thanked her, she told him she thought chivalry should be rewarded.
What happened at Starbucks reminded me of how energy spreads and affect others. My husband sent out good energy and the woman reciprocated. But the positive energy did not affect just the two of them because the server and those witnessing the interaction were also recipients. When my husband came home and shared the experience with me, I also felt happier and lighter, as might others who might hear the story. If a better mood creates more positive interactions, who knows how far this ripple might spread?
Now compare this scenario with the last time someone honked at you in traffic, perhaps even shouting or shaking a fist. Remember how that impacted you. Even if you didn't retaliate in action, regaining your equilibrium was likely to have taken some effort. If the experience managed to put you in a bad mood, that negativity is likely to carry over into your next interactions. And thus a negative ripple spreads just as effectively, if not more so, as a positive one!
I am of the opinion that negative energy is spreading more rapidly in our world than positive energy. Civility seems to on the wane. The increase in road rage, for example, speaks to an increasing self-centeredness, expecting others to conform to our convenience. Even senators and congressman are now shouting insults in formal proceedings.
Even though we cannot control what others do, I think it is important to remember that we are not helpless. We have control over how much we are affected by the negativity through stress reduction skills, and we can make the choice of sending more positive energy into the world. It's amazing how much good just a smile and a warm hello can do, not just for the other person but for ourselves. We can set the tone for how we relate to others, and the positive effects can spread much further than we think.
What happened at Starbucks reminded me of how energy spreads and affect others. My husband sent out good energy and the woman reciprocated. But the positive energy did not affect just the two of them because the server and those witnessing the interaction were also recipients. When my husband came home and shared the experience with me, I also felt happier and lighter, as might others who might hear the story. If a better mood creates more positive interactions, who knows how far this ripple might spread?
Now compare this scenario with the last time someone honked at you in traffic, perhaps even shouting or shaking a fist. Remember how that impacted you. Even if you didn't retaliate in action, regaining your equilibrium was likely to have taken some effort. If the experience managed to put you in a bad mood, that negativity is likely to carry over into your next interactions. And thus a negative ripple spreads just as effectively, if not more so, as a positive one!
I am of the opinion that negative energy is spreading more rapidly in our world than positive energy. Civility seems to on the wane. The increase in road rage, for example, speaks to an increasing self-centeredness, expecting others to conform to our convenience. Even senators and congressman are now shouting insults in formal proceedings.
Even though we cannot control what others do, I think it is important to remember that we are not helpless. We have control over how much we are affected by the negativity through stress reduction skills, and we can make the choice of sending more positive energy into the world. It's amazing how much good just a smile and a warm hello can do, not just for the other person but for ourselves. We can set the tone for how we relate to others, and the positive effects can spread much further than we think.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Miracle of Conscious Breathing
When I ask graduates of my Yoga-Based Stress Reduction Training what they find most helpful from the course, conscious breathing is usually at the top of the list. I have also found this to be true in my own experience.
The first time I discovered I can use my breathe to influence my physiology was by chance, years before I began studying yoga. During a stressful episode, I experienced a bout of rapid heart beat that returned to haunt me periodically through the next few years. I wore a heart monitor for testing purposes, I went through the stress test for heart problems, and I took medication for a while. What really helped me, however, was somehow, instinctively, I would lie down and breathe slowly. I discovered that the exhalations helped my heart to slow down and return to its normal rate. I stopped the medication and managed my rapid heart beats with my breath. After a while, the problem stopped completely.
It was only after I began delving into the phenomenon of stress years later that I learned that the heart, the breath and the mind are linked in a manner that affect each other, and studying yoga taught me even more ways that the conscious breath can be used to influence physiology. I began teaching my psychotherapy clients how to use conscious breath to manage their anxiety and depression. Out of that work evolved my Yoga Based Stress Reduction Trainings and my Breathe Better courses.
The first time I discovered I can use my breathe to influence my physiology was by chance, years before I began studying yoga. During a stressful episode, I experienced a bout of rapid heart beat that returned to haunt me periodically through the next few years. I wore a heart monitor for testing purposes, I went through the stress test for heart problems, and I took medication for a while. What really helped me, however, was somehow, instinctively, I would lie down and breathe slowly. I discovered that the exhalations helped my heart to slow down and return to its normal rate. I stopped the medication and managed my rapid heart beats with my breath. After a while, the problem stopped completely.
It was only after I began delving into the phenomenon of stress years later that I learned that the heart, the breath and the mind are linked in a manner that affect each other, and studying yoga taught me even more ways that the conscious breath can be used to influence physiology. I began teaching my psychotherapy clients how to use conscious breath to manage their anxiety and depression. Out of that work evolved my Yoga Based Stress Reduction Trainings and my Breathe Better courses.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Stopping Self-Torture
When my daughter was tweleve years old, I let her ride her bike down to the neighborhood shopping center about a mile away. Without being conscious of it, I was churning out worrisome thoughts. I imagined her getting hit by a car, getting lost, getting abducted, etc. etc, until I found myself in tears. That occasion was when I first became aware of the amazing power of the thought process and it's connection to our emotional state. I managed to totally upset myself when nothing was actually happening except in my imagination!!!
I began identifying this phenomenon in myself and in the clients I worked with. It's quite amazing how many of us and how often we torture ourselves by our negative thinking! You can test this out for yourself. The next time you feel badly, think back and trace your thoughts. Most of the time you'll find a connection between the two. Even when something negative is happening, our thoughts invariably add embellishments that make us feel worse.
Undisciplined thinking is like a puppy that is not housebroken. Once we can identify how our thinking is upsetting us, we can learn to interrupt that thought process and stop suffering more than is necessary.
I began identifying this phenomenon in myself and in the clients I worked with. It's quite amazing how many of us and how often we torture ourselves by our negative thinking! You can test this out for yourself. The next time you feel badly, think back and trace your thoughts. Most of the time you'll find a connection between the two. Even when something negative is happening, our thoughts invariably add embellishments that make us feel worse.
Undisciplined thinking is like a puppy that is not housebroken. Once we can identify how our thinking is upsetting us, we can learn to interrupt that thought process and stop suffering more than is necessary.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
One Thing at a Time
Did you know that multi-tasking is stress inducing? Our brain is made in a way that it can only tend to one thing at a time. When we are doing several things at once, our brain switches back and forth continuously. Over time the brain tires and we feel stressed. A study actually showed that blood pressure was higher for people who habitually multi-tasked.
Since mistakes and accidents are more likely to happen when we multi-task, doing more than one thing at a time may actually be less efficient. Because we become desensitized to how we feel, multi-taskers might no longer experience how stressed they might actually be while thus engaged. If you habitually multi-task, try just doing one thing at a time for one hour and notice what that might be like for you.
Since mistakes and accidents are more likely to happen when we multi-task, doing more than one thing at a time may actually be less efficient. Because we become desensitized to how we feel, multi-taskers might no longer experience how stressed they might actually be while thus engaged. If you habitually multi-task, try just doing one thing at a time for one hour and notice what that might be like for you.
MY CD
Mind agitated? Feeling Uptight? Can't sleep??
Yoga Nidra is the most effective way to relax the body and the mind. It relieves insomnia, anxiety and other effects of chronic stress. It has been found that thirty minutes of Yoga Nidra provides rest equivalent to three hours of deep sleep.
Yoga Nida is also a restful but deeply beneficial for those recovering from chemotherapy and chronic illnesses.
This CD is available at
MY BOOK
Would you like to have a QUIET MIND and a HEALTH BODY?
They are not as difficult to acquire as you might think if you take small steps, one at a time.
Knowing that stressed out people have trouble concentrating, I wrote this book without any technical terminology. Complex ideas are presented in simple language with everyday illustrations so they can be grasped with minimal effort.
Amongst other topics, the book includes a chapter on sleeping better and one on weight management, two prevelant problems in our stress-filled society today.
If you would like more information about my book, visit http://www.figgardenpress.com/
Reviews of the book can be found on
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Stress is a Matter of Perception
Even though my book on stress reduction was just published, I forgot to practice what I preach on my trip to Egypt. I had managed to pick a travel company that was careless in itinerary planning. Plans were changed at least once daily, seldom for the better. In Middle Egypt, where tourists seldom frequent, my husband and I were told the car, driver and guide to take us on our next leg was unavailable and we had to take the train on our own.
By that time we had been fighting unexpected and undesirable changes for a whole week, usually a losing battle. Suddenly it occured to us that we were contributing to our own stress when we refuse to accept the inevitable. So we changed our perspective and decided to just go with whatever happened next and consider the unexpected train trip as an adventure. After all, nightmare trips of today can become good travel stories of tomorrow.
The train trip was pretty bad, a far cry from what we had contracted and paid for. But with our change in attitude, we just laughed about all the mishaps. Even though the travel professionals we paid let us down, the Egyptian people unconnected with tourism were wonderfully helpful, and that was a good experience we would not have had otherwise.
Besides a good travel story, this experience has also become a good illustration to use in the stress reduction trainings I offer, of the difference between stress that is unavoidable and the self-created stress we add to it by our state of mind.
Nancy Tan, LCSW
Author: QUIET MIND, HEALTHY BODY: The Art of Low Stress Living
www.FigGardenYogaStudio.com
By that time we had been fighting unexpected and undesirable changes for a whole week, usually a losing battle. Suddenly it occured to us that we were contributing to our own stress when we refuse to accept the inevitable. So we changed our perspective and decided to just go with whatever happened next and consider the unexpected train trip as an adventure. After all, nightmare trips of today can become good travel stories of tomorrow.
The train trip was pretty bad, a far cry from what we had contracted and paid for. But with our change in attitude, we just laughed about all the mishaps. Even though the travel professionals we paid let us down, the Egyptian people unconnected with tourism were wonderfully helpful, and that was a good experience we would not have had otherwise.
Besides a good travel story, this experience has also become a good illustration to use in the stress reduction trainings I offer, of the difference between stress that is unavoidable and the self-created stress we add to it by our state of mind.
Nancy Tan, LCSW
Author: QUIET MIND, HEALTHY BODY: The Art of Low Stress Living
www.FigGardenYogaStudio.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
